It’s day 45 of 365 and today was a work day for me. Those are always kinda rough because I have to wake up at 5:30 in the morning and be on my from 8a-2p. It’s hard on my back and legs and seems to knock me out for a full two days.
I’m not complaining – I’m very fortunate to have this opportunity. It’s a very direct blessing from the Lord and I am humbled at His perfect timing and provision through this job. It’s just a little harder on me (physically) than I thought it would be when I signed on and that’s something for me to consider going forward.
Today was also a hard day emotionally. Although I’m a SUPER communicative person, and a stubborn, opinionated one at that, I’m also someone who hates conflict and tries to avoid it all costs. Well, open conflict that is. I’ll admit that I’ve been adopting the hideous antics of passive aggressive people lately, which is a type of conflict engagement I have always abhorred. And yet, the ridiculous truth is: it’s far more acceptable to be passive aggressive pain in the patootie than to be the type of person that calls a spade a spade and verbally engages conflict with dominance and strength.
And so, I’ve become a weird, dysfunctional conflict engager and it means I don’t say what I really think most of the time these days. The only time I really put myself out there is when something is EXTREMELY important to me. If I can live without brining it up, I will. I’ll keep my mouth shut and put up with things that hurt me or frustrate me so that I can avoid conflict with other people.
When all of this started, it was mainly because I recognized that conflict is such a stupid waste of time. It’s just not worth all the wasted energy and emotions. And as I get older I realize people don’t want to hear the truth, work with others to establish deep, impactful relationships, or grow with others – they just want to hear what they want to hear and surround themselves with people who don’t challenge or grow them. If they come across someone who does challenge them, they walk away. It’s such an immature way to engage the world.
I work SO hard not to be this type of person, easy as it may be to become one. I relish relationships with people who challenge me, grow me, convict me, engage me honestly, and help me to see the things I am too prideful to see. I have a small, important circle of friends who play this vital role in my life and I thank God for them everyday.
So, what happens when one of those people is the source of deep hurt? What do you do then? The temptation, of course, is to move away from that person. Create space. Do the whole “self-preservation” thing and back away until you feel you can trust them again.
I’ll be honest. That’s was my first response (and my second if I’m being REALLY honest).
You see, I don’t love people with half my heart. When I love someone, I love them with everything I am, everything I have, everything there is inside me. I don’t know how to love people half-way.
So when someone I love in the deepest possible way hurts me, I get scared. Their actions translate as a rejection of my personhood and I scramble to protect myself against the way they make me feel.
It’s not right. I know that. And I’m working on it.
But it’s not easy, especially when you’re someone who only engages difficult subjects when it is of utmost personal significance, like me.
The effects of rejected transparency with those whom I love in the most complete way possible are devastating. And it takes me a while to lick my wounds, have enough faith to trust again, and move on as if everything is the same – when it just isn’t.
For those of you reading this who aren’t “emotional” people, who aren’t “bleeding-hearts,” you will call this post just one thing: “psycho-babble.” And that’s fine. Your inability to understand complex emotions doesn’t minimize their validity or significance. But it does mean you and I will never truly value the same things. And I’m wise enough to know that this world would fall to pieces in about a half a second if it were made up of only me’s or only you’s. In order for this world to function well, it NEEDS me to be me and you to be you. Together, we fill in the gaps left by the other. Together we create something strong and immovable – apart, not so much.
This concept isn’t new, of course. It comes straight from the Bible when Paul explains that the Body of Christ NEEDS all of us to be different so that it can function at its optimum capacity. If we were all arms, how would we see? If we were all ears, how would we walk?
We’re different. That’s all.
One person may look at a situation and see X, the other will look at it and see Y. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that they accept the fact that both perspectives are part of a something bigger, 24 other “letters,” if you will, all of which, together, create one alphabet that allows the nation (and most of the world) to work together toward a common goal – cooperation.
And that’s the mindset I’ve been taking to help me move past this deeply hurtful situation. The people I love are not perfect, neither am I. The people I love don’t see this situation the same way I do, but they don’t have to. I still love them and they still love me. I’m not willing to sacrifice our entire relationship just because I have been wounded. I will get past this in time. I will stop feeling hurt and treated unjustly in time.
But, until then, I don’t want to miss out on being able to love them with everything I am or the joy that comes from being able to love them with that kind of freedom.
I’m sorry this post was so long. And I’m sorry if it seems like it has nothing to do with my weight loss journey.
The emotional aspects of my life have a huge impact on my weight loss journey and I never want to ignore that fact. If I do, I make it easier to justify emotional eating, laziness, depression, etc.
I’ve lived that life already. It’s not a good one.
I want to live a life of freedom and peace for the glory of God in ALL aspects of my life. That means taking both my body AND my heart seriously and knowing them well.
The more I know about myself, the more I can surrender to the Lord, Who will, in turn, grant me the peace that surpasses all understanding.
The choice seems pretty clear to me.
Until Next Time My Friends,
The Taylor of All Trades